sneakyfeets:

my wife’s so cute because we both love animals so much but her way is very pure and genuine whereas my family is:

me, holding up my cat: stinky

wife: no!! don’t be mean!!!

me, swaying him back and forth in the air: stinky bastard man

wife: No!!!!!!!!

my mother, not looking up from chopping veggies: naughty boy. brat cat

wife, distraught: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mechalesbian:

other people (cowards): but if we replace parts of our bodies with machines, are we really still…human?

me (woke, courageous): hey check out this sick ass laser pointer i just got installed in my pinky finger. drives cats fucking nuts.

failout4:

Me: *drops something while eating*

My pet, running at 876 mph towards the dropped food: time to C O N S U M E

vaporwavesimulator:

me: *finishes listening to a good song for the 6th time* ohh man that was great…

a small part of my brain: please end it………im begging you

me, hovering over the loop button:

squirrelstone:

gideonseymours:

miscommunication as a plot device makes me angry

if you just talked to each other but no

on the one hand i agree with this but on the other hand one of my coworkers rented an alpaca from a petting zoo and brought it to work because my boss said she wanted an alpaca sweater but the guy didn’t hear her say sweater and didn’t want to upset her by asking why the fuck she’d want an alpaca